Lost

I am damn,fucking exhausted.

I thought I would finally be someone's priority after getting into this.For once I opened up my heart again to loving someone.But little did I know that it would end up in me feeling like these a couple of times. I don't know what it is but somehow Im always the one waiting for you.God knows what you've been up to.Every single fucking time.Its the same old cycle.I didn't know loving someone meant that you had to be at a disadvantage,always waiting for a reply of what,maybe one/two sentences?i didnt know I had to stay up almost every night, waiting for a fucking text again from a particular someone and I'll just end up dozing off because for every text,I'll have to stay up waiting for what,half an hour or so?How many times must I tell you that Im your fucking girlfriend,I thought I might've been of at least somewhat importance to you.Everything just seems like a fucking chore to you now huh.And I don't know why I have to patience to even wait for every single message.And even when it's somewhat urgent you don't bother checking.I can honestly say that I treat you like a priority still up to now,every text message of yours still makes me excited to give an instant reply back.But what can I say about yours? I don't know how much longer I can hold on being like this. I never thought I could be taken for granted just like that. It's like you don't treasure me just like how you first did 11 months ago. You say you do but I don't know about your actions because they don't justify your words. If you would rather not communicate with me because you are "lazy to text" / "didn't see your message" / "thought i replied" , I'd rather be happier off alone. I'm tired of being shoved aside after being taken for granted that I will always be here for you because you know I always will. I can't seem to trust your words anymore because I'm just sick and tired of the same routine of anticipating something that will never happen.

Trust

Last paper tomorrow and with all the stress pilling up from everything I just needed a little rant.

Trust issues.

Is it that hard to place trust in someone you have been together with for a long period of time?I know its not hard for me but idk what happened which has made things so fucking hard for me. I am exhausted of you saying that its my surroundings you arent comfortable with but havent you been saying this for a little too long already? I am completely drained out because you always make me sound like I am the one who's always in the wrong and that you are, and forever will be in the right. I dont know whether getting myself into this situation has made me a better person or not. You may be the one who is a better person when you get into this but I dont know if I am. It has bought the worst in me out to the extent that sometimes I dont even know who I am anymore. I feel as if I have lost my own identity. I used to be independent and always the happy one but I feel like I have changed for the worse subconsciously. You have the whole world there for you but sometimes I just feel like I only have myself to rely on. Friendships with other people become distant and I am really sick of it. Im in a mess with my own life. What benefits you may not work out for me. I am tired of showing this facade. And how can you just push me aside and act as if nothing is wrong. 

Tomorrow will be a better day I hope.